Parallel Destruction
by SatinEdge
Summary: What happens when you don't want to feel anything! Edward and Bella are determined to not have too. But what happens when you meet someone that is the same as you. Do you live in parallel destruction together or do you find a reason to live again? NC-17
1. Chapter 1

**Ok so I know I am starting something new and the other is not done but I have to write this. It is plaguing my mind and I have to get it out. This is unlike my other story in every way. This will be a hard story to write and to read I'm sure. This is not puppies and flowers and happiness. This is life at its worst. There will be severe drug use, lot's of sex, language, and basically will tell the tale of two people's life falling apart completely. It's sad and hard but it will be good I promise! I own nothing except this idea so I hope you enjoy. Listen to elegantly wasted by INXS!**

**BPOV**

I pulled the baggie out of my pocket just wanting the numb to come. I grabbed my mirror and spread the heavenly white powder out on it. Forming lines, I rolled the hundred dollar bill up and leaned down. After five lines were coursing thru my system I felt the familiar numb overtake my body. The only time and place that I could truly be relaxed, free of all the dreams, the nightmare that is my life.

"Bella ten minutes till you go on are you ready" Rose asked walking towards me.

"Just gotta get dressed other than that I'm good." I said as I approached my clothing rack.

"Which one are you wearing tonight?" Rose said as she snorted one of the lines off my mirror.

"I don't know I was thinking the navy blue one"

"Hell yes you look fucking hot in that one." she laughed.

"Well navy blue it is then. Could you help me with my make-up real quick?" I asked knowing my hands were still a little to shaky to put eyeliner on.

She nodded her head as I changed my clothes real quick before sitting in front of her. She quickly thru some make-up on my face just as James walked thru the door.

"You ready Bella two minutes." he said.

"On my way" I said as I headed towards the door.

I could hear the chatter of the people outside the curtain and wondered how the crowd would be tonight. I heard the beginning beat of my song as the curtain opened. The cat calls started almost immediately as I hung upside down on the pole all the way at the top. I dropped my body letting myself slide all the way down to the floor stopping right before I hit it. Slowly pulling myself up I twirled around the pole landing in the splits.

I grabbed the hooks of my bra and thru it across the stage. The man were roaring now and whistling. I loved it. On stage I wasn't the old Bella. I was new and adored by men who saw what they liked. Stripping what a career choice. What would daddy think? Charlie would pull out his shot gun and blast every mother fucker in this room away, grab me and tow me in hand all the way back to fucking Forks. Good thing old Charlie didn't know where I was. I couldn't handle being there anymore. To many memories mostly bad. That was why I left in the first place. I needed something different. I moved to Chicago two years ago. I was sitting at a bus stop freezing with only the clothes on my back when I met Rose. She was beautiful and a really nice person. She brought me home that night and we both got coked up out of our minds. I've never left. Rose introduced me to the strip club and I've been working here every since.

Not quite what I had pictured as my career goal but Fuck it was easy and I made lots of money. Which was a necessity because when you trying to support a thousand dollar a week coke habit you better have the funds to fucking back it up. So that's my life now, I'm what most would call a low life junkie. I spend every minute I can being fucked up because it's the only way I can survive and the only thing that brings me happiness.

I crossed the stage suggestively crawling on my hands and knees letting the men put money in my thong. I stopped in front of a table of two guys and a girl that were pretty close to my age. They had some big wads of cash which I desperately needed. I sat up on my knees and let my hand fall to my pussy. I slowly started gyrating against my hand and flicked my head back in pleasure, moaning. The guy grabbed a twenty and stuck it in the front of my thong while wiggling his eye brows at me. I slowly slid a finger inside my panties dipping into my sweetness. I watched his eyes go wide as I pulled my finger back out. I used it to beckon him to me. He leaned into me smiling wide.

"Want a taste" I whispered suggestively.

"Fuck yes" he yelled.

I slowly brought my finger up to his lips and slid my finger into his open waiting mouth. His tongue made several sweeps around my finger sucking every lit drop of juice off of it. Being this close to him I noticed how hot he was. He had green eyes that burned thru me, the most beautiful bronze hair that screamed sex, and a face that belonged to the gods. I pulled my finger out of his mouth slowly before replacing his lips on my finger with my own. He sucked in a breath as he tucked all the bills he had in the front of my panties flicking my clit with his finger as he did so.

The music ended as I stood up. I looked at him once more before heading off stage. He winked at me and I smiled back at him. I quickly thru on a little skirt to grab a drink and make my rounds for private dances.

The baggie in my pocket was calling my name as I made a b-line to the bathroom. I pulled out the baggie and put some coke on the counter. Fucking disgusting right. Not only a bathroom counter that I didn't even wipe off but for fucks sake It's a strip club bathroom. Funny thing about a habit like this though, you really could fucking care less. I grabbed the a bill out of my panties and rolled it up. One line down and I felt it returning. The numb that I needed so much and embraced with arms wide open. If mommy and daddy could see me now. Fuck my mother, stupid bitch first she drags me away from dad saying she isn't happy anymore, I was fucking five years old. I didn't understand shit.

Sure just take me away from my father and the only home I ever knew no big deal. Arizona sucked, the heat was too much for me and I hated it. I hated her even more barely speaking to her unless it was necessary. That was until she met Phil, what a douche he was. A second rate baseball player that sat on the bench every fucking game. He proposed and that was it my mother decided that I needed to go stay with my dad. She threw me out like she did the trash every Tues and Thurs. It was her fucking fault I was where I was now. If she would have just let me stay in Phoenix I would probably be in college now. But no the selfish bitch sent me back home to Forks where my life inevitably changed forever.

"Fuck I'm sorry" I heard a voice say behind me.

I quickly turned still holding the rolled dollar bill. "Fucking lock never works in here." I said seeing that none other than sex hair himself was standing starring at me.

"I'm not a fucking circus freak so either come take a hit with me or get the fuck out" I yelled at him.

He quickly shut the door and walked over to me. He grabbed the bill out of my hand and leaned down to clear the three lines that were left on the counter. He stood back up and grabbed his nose as he sniffed harder and then wiped his nose off. God he was fucking hot and I needed a release so bad. drugs and sex seemed to be the only things that could keep my momentarily happy these days. I licked my thumb and ran my fingers across the little bit of powder that was still on the counter. I drew my hand up to his mouth and slowly stuck my thumb in his mouth as he licked and sucked the coke of my finger.

He grabbed my arms and threw me into the bathroom stall wall.

"I want you so fucking bad" He whispered in my ear.

"Then take me" I whispered back.

He grabbed my ass and drew me up setting me on the counter. Quickly grabbing a condom out of his pocket he unbuttoned his dirty jeans and dropped them to the floor. I unzipped my skirt and ripped it off letting it fall to the floor. He grabbed my panties and with one tug they were laying on the floor with my skirt. It was so fucking erotic and sexy they way he commanded me.

"Fuck me" I growled not wanting to wait another second. I needed him to fuck me. Fuck Jake's memory out of my mind if only for a few minutes. I would be in a place where his name and face didn't haunt me.

He chuckled rolling the condom down his dick. He grabbed my hips and with one fluid motion he filled me up. God I loved that feeling, just to feel full and satisfied. No matter how long it lasted I always longed for that feeling of being satisfied.

He grabbed my ass as he started pounding into me. "Fuck you feel so good" he breathed out.

"Ah God" was all I could get out. He face was beautiful when he was inside me. The way it contorted in pleasure that I was giving him. I felt my stomach muscles tightening and knew what was coming.

"I'm gonna…fuck..I'm gonna cum" I screamed.

"Cum for me beautiful, cum all over my dick while it's inside you" he growled back.

The minute the words left his mouth I lost it falling over the edge. I screamed out grabbing his back and dragging my nails down it hard. My whole body shook and flailed around him as he thrust a couple more times before screaming "fuck."

I leaned against his chest feeling his cock throb inside me. I was in fucking bliss at that moment. Nothing from my past could hurt me. I was worlds away from it all in a man's arms that I didn't know high as a fucking kite. Sounds wrong on so many levels but it was right, so right for me and exactly what I needed. A small lapse in time where I could just be. No past, no future just right now.

He pulled out to quickly throwing the condom in the trash can and pulling his pants back up. I fell back against the mirror totally fucking spent.

He grabbed my face and kissed my forehead before grabbing a napkin out of his jeans pocket. He grabbed a pen off the bathroom floor and wrote down his address.

"No phone, but I got a house I share with my brother, best friend, and his girl. Come by anytime you want baby, okay" he said handing me the napkin.

"K" was all I could get out.

I looked at the napkin and read the address and the name underneath it, Edward. He was opening the door getting ready to walk out.

"Bella" I said softly.

"Bella….beautiful….I like it" he said as he winked and walked out. I laid against the mirror just simmering in my post coital bliss. I felt the darkness coming as my consciousness slipped away.

~~~~~*~~~~~

**EPOV**

Bella, beautiful, fuck did her name fit her or what. She was fucking gorgeous and I was one lucky bastard to get to hit that. As I walked away I couldn't help but notice the shakes in my hands. It had been fucking to long and I knew I was going to start getting edgy if I didn't find my sunshine soon. I walked back to the table that Jasper and Alice were sitting at.

"Jazz man I gotta go find sunshine I'm needing it" I said as I sat down.

Jazz grabbed his phone and dialed having a whispered conversation before hitting end and grabbing Alice's hand.

"Let's go" he said.

I felt like a five year old on fucking Christmas. Sunshine I'm coming for ya. We jumped in the car and headed out. I was thinking about Bella during the drive. I mean she was beautiful and crazy and fucked up but who am I to judge. I sit right next to her in that light. I gave her my address. It was a split second decision that I acted on. I've never given anybody my address but fuck I wanted to fuck her again that's for sure. No phone so an address was all I had to give her. I wasn't going to pay for a phone because that just takes money away from sunshine and I knew at some point my nest egg I was sitting on would run out. I hope she comes to me, sooner rather than later.

We pulled up the a house and Jasper hopped out disappearing thru the front door. I looked at Alice and could tell by the sweat on her face she was jonesing just as bad as I was. Jasper came out about five minute later and we were headed to the house. Thanks mom and dad for the house was all I could think. Fuck them I didn't want to think about them. We pulled up right as Emmet was pulling up. He jumped out of his jeep and came to the car as we were getting out.

"Did you get any" he asked Jazz.

"Yep" he said popping the p and I swear we all ran into the house like a bunch of fucking crazy people. I grabbed the supplies we need and four fresh needles heading into the living room where they were waiting. I saw the baggie on the table with my beautiful brown sugar sunshine sitting in it. Fuck I wanted it so bad.

I jumped down as Jazz started getting it ready. Heroine it was my sunshine. It made my life good. The only time I wasn't going thru the motions was when I had my sunshine, my love coursing thru my veins. I grabbed my needle and dipped it into the spoon filling it up. I tied off my arm and slapped it a couple times to get a vein. I only had to stab myself five times before I found it. I pulled back the plunger watching the blood flow into it. heaven was on the horizon right now. I pushed the plunger back down and watched as the liquid disappeared into my veins. I slumped back against the couch feeling my sunshine warm my body and take everything away.

Jazz and Alice were already gone to their room as I glanced around the room. Em was leaned back in the chair needle still hanging from his arm. My eyes closed slowly as I let her overtake me.

~~~~~~*~~~~~

The sun was in my eyes waking me from the deep sleep I was experiencing. I looked around and Em was still on the chair needle still hanging from his arm. My stomach started to turn and I knew what was coming. I launched myself off the couch running to the bathroom. As soon I was in front of the toilet the bile was flying from my body. Dammit this is when I hated my life and what it had become. I was a damn junkie and it was disgusting. I always hated my sunshine once I had it at least until the cravings started and then I loved it and couldn't wait for the next hit. As I lay on the floor looking at my bruised arm with track marks up and down it I thought to myself that I am a pitiful excuse for a person. My parents would be so disappointed in Em and I.

I met Jasper a year ago and after a couple months he moved in with us. I walked in on him one night shooting up and I was livid. But when I saw how relaxed and at ease he was I wondered. I wish all the time that I would have kicked him out or got him help instead of sitting down and letting him shoot me up with heroine for the first time. After that not to many days passed when I wasn't using my needle and sunshine. It became an overwhelming need that I had no control over. I hated it and what it had done to me. I hated the power it held over me, but what I hated most was myself and in those moments when the sunshine hit my veins I was numb from all the pain that was on my back constantly.

I rubbed my eyes sitting up realizing I was still on the bathroom floor. I looked out the window seeing it was dark outside.

"Bathroom floor isn't really that comfortable ya know" Jasper snickered.

"Yea kinda figured that out. What time is it man" I questioned

"It's nine o clock and by the way there's a cute little stripper downstairs waiting for you" he said smiling as he walked away.

Bella, Bella was fucking here and I looked like shit. I quickly ran my hands thru my hair, brushed my teeth, and changed my clothes before running down the stairs.

In all of her fucking glory standing in my doorway was Bella. She had a short blue jean skirt on and a small tank top that let me see everything I wanted and needed to see.

"Hey" she said

"Hey what's up?"

"Nothing much just out and about and figured I would stop by."

"Well that's cool were just…yea were just hanging out want to join us?"

"Umm sure yea that sounds great…umm Rose is in the car let me just tell her I'm staying."

"Rose?"

"Oh yea she's my best friend and roommate she brought me by"

"Well hell she can hang too if she wants."

"I'll ask hold on"

I watched her run out to the car and then have a brief conversation. The door opened a tall blonde got out closing the door. They walked up and I knew I needed to get Em's ass down here. He was going to be in love.

"Em get your ass downstairs now we have company" I yelled up the stairs.

"Come on in and have a seat you guys wanna beer?"

The both said yes and I headed to the kitchen to grab a couple beers.

"Holy mother of God your fucking hot" I heard Emmett yell.

I walked into the living room slapping Em on the back "Way to make a first impression" I chuckled.

"Thanks" was all Rose said.

"So what do you guys wanna do?"

"Well we were thinking about going out to the club and I wanted to see if you wanted to go" Bella said sipping her beer.

"Hell yea sounds good let me grab my wallet and keys and we can head out. You coming Em?"

"Well fuck yes Rose needs a dancing partner" Em laughed.

We all piled into the car Bella sitting in the back seat with me. She kept looking over at me and smiling and I just wanted to kiss her. Fuck I never wanted to kiss anyone. To fucking personal, it causes an attachment and I'm just not ready for that. I wanted Bella bad and I knew before the end of the night I would have her. Very unlike me because I usually don't fuck the same girl twice but there was something about Bella. I was drawn to her and I wasn't about to let her go just yet. In my world of darkness and pain she was like a ray of sunlight. Sunlight that I was in desperate fucking need of.

**Ok so leave me some reviews people. What do you think? Sad I know but believe me this story will go places and I hope you like it. I have so much planned and I will be working on this one a lot. Drug abuse is a real problem please take none of this lightly. Heroine and coke are very addictive and these characters are at an end of a rope. They could care less if they live or die and it's a very sad thing.**

**Reviews = faster chapter update! Push the button right down there you know you want too!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok so I warned you that this story is dark and a little unsettling but what is happening now has to happen. I hope you are enjoying it so far and I had to start on the next chapter because I have little patience and I want to get this out. Song for this chapter is Comedown by Bush. I hope you enjoy and I own nothing as usual….see you at the bottom.**

**BPOV**

Watching Edward walk in front of me into the club should not be tempting, but the way his body moves is amazing. I can see his muscles moving under his shirt and I just really want to rip it off and take him right here. What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be really horny because the way he makes me feel is something I'm not used to. I need a fucking drink.

We walked thru the doors the music immediately hitting my head making my ears ring.

"I need a drink" I yelled over the music.

We all headed to the bar and ordered our beers before walking to a table. Alice seemed like a pretty cool chick and fit right in with Rose and I. We were giggling watching people dancing while the guys were slamming their beers laughing about God knows what.

"Hey I'm heading to the upper deck you girls wanna come?" I asked.

"What's up there" Jasper asked.

"Never been well you like blow Jasper my boy?" I snickered

"Hell yea, who doesn't?" he laughed.

"Well than come on" I said hopping off my seat.

We went to the back and made our way up the stairs. I knocked twice before James opened the door. "Hey Bella baby who you got here?" he asked.

"Just some friends they are good I promise" I answered back.

He opened the door to let us in. The room was lit with black and red lights and there were tables all over with bills and blow on them, my favorite place. Emmett's eyes about bugged out of his head when he saw random people having sex all around the room.

"What is this?" he asked

"This my friend is my own personal heaven. Drugs and sex my two favorite things. This is the playroom guys. You can get fucked up and then get fucked then go home to a good night's sleep." I said laughing.

"Heaven is right" Edward whispered in my ear.

We grabbed a table and I couldn't wait for the numb to overtake me. I grabbed a bill, pit it to my nose, and leaned down. I did three fat lines before handing the bill to Edward. He snorted four lines before we made our way to a couch in the corner of the room. I pushed him down and straddled my legs across him.

"I missed you" I said fucking wondering where the hell my filter went.

"Me too baby" he replied.

Ok wasn't expecting that. I wasn't quite sure what it was about Edward but I felt a pull to him unlike anything I had ever experienced. I grabbed his hair and tilted his head back so I could suck and nip at his glorious neck. I wanted to taste him so bad.

**EPOV**

This place was fucking awesome. I'd been to this club numerous times but never even knew this room was up here. Bella was licking and biting my neck and I wanted so badly to grab her and kiss her again. I don't know where these feelings were coming from but they scared me to be honest. Since the accident I haven't had even slight feelings for anybody, but with Bella I was quickly realizing that I was falling and I was falling hard, maybe because we were alike in so many ways. I really didn't know anything about her but I craved her like I did my sweet sunshine.

She started sliding down my body settling on her knees in front of me. She quickly undid my buttons and pulled out my already hard dick. I watched as she slowly traced her tongue up the underside all the way to the tip before she swirled her tongue around it. Then blowing my mind she went all the way down taking all of me into her mouth. I could feel her beautiful lips against my skin and I swear I about came right then and there. She started to move her mouth up and down slowly and then quickening the pace. She looked up at me through her lashes and smiled around me and I swear it was the most erotic thing I have experienced. Watching her enjoy going down on me, our eyes never leaving one another's was by far one of the most intimate thing I have ever done.

She slowly brought herself off the ground climbing back into my lap. She pulled her skirt up revealing she wasn't wearing any fucking underwear.

"I need you" she whispered into my ear before she sunk down taking me inside her. She was slowly moving up and down my dick swiveling her hips around me.

"You feel so fucking good on me. You see how we fucking fit together perfect." I said watching her smile as the words left my mouth.

It was the truth, we fit together perfect and I couldn't imagine ever being able to live without this…this whatever the fuck it was that I had with her. I felt her knees starting to shake so I lifted her off me a little and started pounding into her. Within seconds she was withering over me fucking moaning the sexiest sounds and screaming my name. That did me in as I came into her.

"Bella are you on birth control?"

She nodded her head and assured me that we were safe.

We left the club about an hour later and Bella gave me her phone number telling me to call her anytime. I laid in bed that night just thinking about her. Her smell, her taste, she was like a drug to me. In the moments I was with her I was relaxed and actually felt normal. My past wasn't there rearing its ugly head, it was just us and it was a great feeling. I fell asleep dreaming of Bella wishing she was next to me so I could hold her all night.

**BPOV**

Rose and I went home after dropping our new friends off and I couldn't help but lay in bed and think about Edward. It was amazing when I was with him because I felt free. Free of my past and the memories that haunt me on a daily basis. When I was with him I just felt safe and protected. In all the time I was with Jacob I had never felt this way. The feelings that I was developing for him were strange and new and it scared the shit out f me. I had never needed nor wanted anybody since Jacob but I said the words to Edward tonight, I needed him. I needed him in more ways than he realized and I didn't know what to do. I fell asleep that night wishing that I was incased in his arms.

~~~~~*~~~~~

**Kinda of a short chapter but I'm not really watching word count I am just letting the story tell itself. So I hope you are liking it so far and please review. I'm a review whore what can I say. In saying that…**

**Push that button please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Back again with another chapter. I don't know how long this story will be. I think more on the shorter side but I promise it will still be good. This chapter is well it's hard to write but it has to happen so bear with me ok. I own nothing. Song for this chapter is Glycerine by Bush. I know right another Bush song but Hello Gavin Rossdale is fine lol! See ya at the bottom.**

**EPOV**

Bella and I have been hanging out for a couple months now and I have really fallen for her. I keep trying to get her o open up to me but she always fucking stops herself. I can't be mad though because I haven't been forthcoming with my past either. It's hard sharing parts of my life that only family members know about.

Even Jazz doesn't know. It just is something that hurts so fucking bad that I try to cover it constantly. I can't seem to move on and I can't seem to forget. How do you move past something so life changing? In my case you don't, you sit in it day after day and stew in your own selfish shit whole. I don't necessarily pity myself but I wonder what the fuck I did to get the shit side of the spoon in life. Life once was easy but I was reminded that it isn't always that way.

Bella was coming over for dinner tonight and I had decided I would ask her to stay the night. I really wanted to just wrap myself up in her and loose myself in her.

She pulled up about eight o clock and walked right in. We had gotten very close like that and hell I wanted to ask her to move in with me but I figured that was to soon. I know I sound like a fucking pussy but I was in love with her and I wanted her all the time never away from my side. Because of the cards I got handed it made me overprotective and the thought of not being there if Bella ever needed me scared the shit out of me.

She was always on my ass about how I was so overprotective but I told her she would understand in due time. After the accident I was protective of those close to me, afraid they would be taken away from me at any moment.

She walked over to me and smiled slapping me in the ass "I'm hungry I hope you cooked enough." She laughed.

"Of course baby there's plenty for you."

We ate in a comfortable silence. I kept looking up to catch her gazing at me and my heart swelled thinking and hoping she felt the same for me.

"So baby you think that you would want to ah well I mean only if you want to but maybe spend the night?" I swear the end came out like a whisper. Why was I so fucking nervous to ask her is beyond me but I was.

She smiled brightly "I would love to, I thought you would never ask."

We made our way upstairs and changed into our pj's and laid down on the bed. I had my arms wrapped around her holding her tightly to my chest.

"Bella where did you grow up?"

I watched as she hesitated wondering if she was going to close up on me again. I know something had happened that she didn't want to talk about but I needed to know her.

"Umm well I was born and lived in a small town in Washington called Forks. I lived there till I was five when my mom decided that..well…ok she fucking decided to be a selfish bitch and tell my father that she didn't want him anymore. It was the cruelest thing I had ever seen. She said she didn't love him anymore and that she didn't want to be stuck in this stupid town anymore. She informed him she was taking me and it was heartbreaking watching the tears slip down his cheeks. We moved two weeks later.

She paused "It's ok Bella I want to know everything about you, I won't judge I promise."

"The day we left was one of the most horrible days of my life. My father carried the last of my boxes from my room to the moving van with tears in his eyes. I loved my dad and seeing the pain he was in was horrible. I always wondered if I had done something wrong to cause it to happen. I was five Edward. I couldn't grasp why my mom would just up and leave him and to be honest I still don't fucking get it. He grabbed me into a big hug and squeezed me so hard telling me over and over again that I was his little Bells and he loved me so much. I cried the whole way to Arizona."

"I'm sorry Bella I know that must have been hard with you being so young but know that it was not your fault nothing you did caused that to happen." I said as I kissed her head softly.

"So yea we moved to Phoenix and I hated it. It was to warm and dry. I missed the lush greenery that Forks had, hell I even missed the rain. It's like the wettest place in the continental US but I missed the shit out of it. My mom was always weird to me after the move. It was like she distanced herself from me. I could never figure out why but she was never close to me. Always more concerned about what was going on her life than mine. I worked hard to get good grades so that when graduation came I could get the fuck away from her, or that was the plan anyway, yea I wish I wish that would have happened but life can never just be easy can it?" she questioned

"No Bella I have to say life is never fucking easy, not mine anyway. So why was it so hard what happened to your plan? Did you go to college?" I asked

"No my mom this guy Phil some dip shit baseball player that was the biggest douche I had ever met. Of course she fell in love with him and he asked her to marry him. The minute the words left his mouth I was on a plane back home to my dad. She was just waiting for the right excuse to get me the hell out of her life. I really don't think she ever loved me. I was something she had to deal with but the minute she could she released me never to look back. I have literally never spoken to her since that day. Never a birthday or Christmas card, no phone calls just nothing."

"I'm so sorry Bella she is stupid, I can't imagine anyone not wanting to know you. You've made me so happy and the thought of never seeing you again or hearing your beautiful voice well I just couldn't handle it." I said as she hugged me.

"So what about you Edward where did you grow up?"

"Los Angeles"

"Wow so you like the heat and stuff"

"I used to not so much anymore."

"Why"

"Well I mean I miss the beaches and stuff but sometimes things happen that don't make you wanna stay somewhere anymore."

"Edward I don't want to push you but could you tell me what happened."

"Bella I want nothing more than to tell you what happened. I want to be honest with you, it's hard though. I haven't discussed what happened that night with anybody other than family not even Jazz knows." I paused

"Really Edward you don't have to tell me it's really ok."

"No Bella I've been carrying around the hurt and pain for too long. The heroine it's become a hiding place for me. I can push my pain away for a little while. I just fucking hate myself, I should have been there. If I would have been they would be here now. I went out with friends one night after I had gotten in a fight with my parents. I got good grades and never got in trouble and I really wanted to go to a concert with my friends and Em. It was a school night and they told me no. I lost it I yelled at them and told them to go to hell. I was so mad. I grabbed my jacket and left slamming the door behind me. I was seventeen and I thought they were treating me like a baby; it was no big deal I was going to school the next day so I couldn't see what the problem was. Em and I were coming down our street at about two in the morning when we saw all the flashing lights. Police cars were everywhere. We stopped and got out of the car to get closer to see what was happening. As we got closer we realized they were at our house."

I heard Bella gasp as she pulled me closer into her arms.

"Fuck Bella I ran so damn fast I just wanted to get to them. I ran thru the front yard as they were bringing my mom's body out under a white sheet. Her hand was fucking hanging out and I saw her wedding ring. I tried to run for her but Em caught me and pulled me to the ground."

I felt Bella's hand wiping away the tears that were now flowing down my face.

"I kept screaming at Em to let me go. I just wanted to be close to her. She was such a good mom. She was always loving and nurturing to me. We were close her and I. My world always revolved around my mom. She was there for me with everything and always wore a beaming smiling when I succeeded at something. She was my biggest supporter and in that moment, watching them take her body from me…God something snapped. I punched Em and ran to her. I pulled back the sheet and her face was covered in blood. Oh God Bella she wasn't her anymore I cried holding her to me asking her why she left me. I held her until I saw my dad's body being carried out. I ran to him and screamed at him for letting this happen to her. I was so angry that he let her die. I guess it was a break in that ended badly. They never caught the assholes that did it and it still haunts me to this day. If I had been there maybe I could have stopped them maybe not but at least if I would have died with them I would be with them you know. I just will never forget the fact that the last words I said to them was go to hell."

**BPOV**

Edward couldn't even talk anymore he was crying so bad, literally sobbing into my chest. He was clutching me like he couldn't let go or he's lose me. It made sense now why he was so overprotective with me, he was afraid of losing me.

"Edward there was nothing you could have done and you being carried out of that house under a sheet would not have made things any better." I struggled thru the words because the tears I was trying to hold back.

I wanted to tell Edward what had happened in my life. I have never been compelled to tell anyone but in that moment I knew we shared a bond that most never would. We both suffered severe losses in our lives and I wanted to comfort him by letting him know he wasn't alone. We had both suffered so long for what, to walk around miserable all the time doing drugs constantly to feel anything but the pain. I needed to face it head on for once in my life.

"Edward can I tell you some things. I know how it feels to bear a burden and carry it with you. I know all too well. You asked if I went to college can I tell you why I didn't.?"

"Please Bella" he said softly.

"When I moved back to Forks I started spending time with my dad's best friends son. His name was Jake. We became very close and I loved having someone care about me. We started dating and became very serious. He proposed to me a month after high school graduation. It seemed fast to people but we made each other happy and I thought he was my soul mate**. **A month later I found out I was pregnant. Not exactly the way I had planned things and I was scared shitless to be a mother. I was afraid I wouldn't be a good mom because of Renee but I was excited too. In the back of my mind I always wanted to be a mom and have a family. Seth was born April 30th and he was beautiful Edward. He had darker skin like Jake with my brown eyes he was well he was amazing. A year later Jake and I got married and settled into life as a family."

I stopped talking I didn't know if I could go on anymore. The tears were already falling down my cheeks and I knew I was getting ready to open up scars I've tried so long to hide.

"Bella it's ok I'm here it's alright ok." Edward said wiping my tears off my cheeks.

"It was a year later and I wanted to go to dinner. Jake had just gotten home from work and didn't want to go. I insisted telling him we never get out anymore. After a little persuasion I got my way and we headed out for dinner. I..I…we were hit by a drunk driver. Seth was killed instantly. When I came to I was in a hospital bed. My dad Charlie was sitting next to my bed with the most somber look on his face. He told me that Seth was gone and that Jake died in surgery. Why did I have to beg for that fucking dinner? If I would have just stayed home like Jake wanted he and Seth would be alive today. The funeral was the hardest thing ever. I put Seth's binky in the casket with him along with his first pair of booties and a album of pictures of us. I kissed his head for the last time that day and my dad had to drag me away from him. I just wanted to hold him. He was so little just two years old. How is that fucking fair. No one should ever have to bury their child ever. I begged Jake to forgive me. I told him I wished it would have me so that they both could be ok. I've never wanted to change places with someone in my life so bad."

Edward held me why I sobbed into his chest. The pain I had tried to hide for so long was hitting me like a ton of bricks.

"I left I couldn't handle it anymore. I haven't seen my father in two years or even talked to him. I just took off one night. I needed to change my life and get away from all the memories that tied me to that night. I just wish I could change it. The pain has never gone away. The coke it numbs me. It takes away my pain. I feel bad though Edward because as bad as it sounds in the time I have spent with you I have felt more than I ever felt for Jake. I think with him it was comfortable how I thought my life should be. You make me feel alive again, and in the moments were together I don't forget but you make it easier to be ok."

"God Bella I know what you're saying, but Bella it's not your fault. You weren't drinking the asshole that hit you was. Never blame yourself for something you can't control. I know that's the pot calling the kettle black but Bella baby it could never be your fault. Seth may have only lived for two years but I'm sure they were the best because he had you. God you are such a fucking amazing woman and you don't even know it do you. You take my pain away all the time. You make me want to be better not just for you but for myself and even Em. I want to be a good person baby I want to make you happy. Bella I..I…love you."

The words hit me full force which made me cry even harder. This amazing man telling me all the things I've needed to hear for so long. He loved me..me who I thought was worthy of being loved. But he did he fucking loved me. I grabbed his face and pulled him towards me crashing my lips to his. We have never kissed on the lips and God what I was missing. He opened his mouth and out tongues crashed together. No drug could ever make me feel like Edward did. I pulled away trying to catch my breath as he started kissing my neck.

"I love you too Edward so much" I whispered

He pulled me to him hugging me tightly before flipping us over. He softly kissed down my body slowly pulling my tank top off. We had done this so many times but in light of our confessions, our pasts, our weakness, and out fears laid out for each other, it felt like the first time. Every kiss, every touch felt brand new and I could feel the sparks coursing thru my body. I pulled his shirt off and kissed his chest slowly running my fingers up and down him. He reached down and pulled my shorts off standing to drop his to the floor. He came back down to me and I couldn't wait.

"Please Edward I need you now" I said softly

"I need you to Bella everyday forever."

He entered me slowly taking time to just feel each other. His hands were everywhere and I was in such bliss I thought I would explode. We rocked back and forth against each other. We kissed and even when we, weren't our lips never left each others. We whispered against each other's lips how much we loved each other and as I felt my orgasm I felt him cum in me. We lay like that forever not wanting to disconnect from the feelings that were raging thru us. He eventually rolled me on my side pulling me to his chest, kissing me lightly over and over. God I loved him, more than I ever thought I would be capable of loving someone but I did and it felt amazing. I knew what I needed to do.

"Edward I want to go to rehab."

~~~~~*~~~~~

**Ok I hope their stories weren't two hard to read. I know they were really fucking hard to write and my keyboard is covered in tears but I love to really feel emotion when I read and write so I hope I did it justice. Please review and I hope to get the next chapter up real soon.**

**Reviews = My love! So hit that button and tell me what you think!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I hope you are enjoying this story so far. It's close to my heart and I am very proud of this one. The songs for this chapter are Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit for the first part and Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve for the second part. Please don't hate me after this chapter. I bawled like a baby writing it and it was very emotional but I wanted you to fell it. So enjoy and as usual I own nothing but the idea behind the story and Edward in my dreams lmao!**

**BPOV**

Today I would be leaving, in three short hours I would be reunited with Edward. The thought scares me some because I wonder if he will still want me. We were both so fucked up when we got together that I wonder if now that he will be in his right mind if he will still feel the same.

There was no change in my feelings for him in the least. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love a man. Hell I had been married to Jake and didn't feel that way. I learned thru my rehab that this was not a bad thing and I had to stop feeling guilty. God rehab the curse that became my blessing. The first couple weeks were ruff to say the least. Coming down from my coke induced high was one of the worst experiences of my life.

When I told Edward I wanted to go to rehab I was worried to what his answer would be to me. He was actually excited and said he had found his drug he couldn't live without and it wasn't illegal. I laughed when he kissed me hard and told me he would do anything for us and that he wanted to be better for himself and me.

We weren't allowed contact with each other while in rehab so it has now been ninety days since I have seen him or talked t him. I knew I needed it though. It was the right thing to do. I knew there was a chance I could lose Edward in this but in the back of my mind I knew the life I was living was slowly killing me. In the beginning it was what I hoped for. I wanted to die. The pain from the accident and losing Jake and Seth was too much to bare. I prayed for death to find me. I was consumed by anger and guilt and my life slowly became not mine anymore. I was a shell of the person I used to be. A dead shell that was awaiting the inevitable. My only hope thru everything was that I would go where Seth was. I hoped that when I finally got my wish that Seth would be the first face I would see. I yearned to hear his beautiful little voice call me mommy again.

Coming to rehab saved me in so many ways. I've learned to deal with my pain, a healthy way to feel it but not let it consume me. The psychologist's really helped. I was hell bent on not talking to anyone in the beginning but as the coke wore off I realized I needed to talk to them. I talked about Edward a lot to and how much he meant to me. There was an indescribable pull to him. I needed him more than I have ever needed anyone and I loved it. I loved him so much. He was the only person I broke my silence for and he the same with me.

We may have been to very fucked up people at the time when we met, but even that couldn't stop the feelings from being there and showing thru. He became my life and I wanted him to always be in it. Edward gave me a reason to want to live again. I wanted all the things I had dreamed about. I wanted to pursue my college dream and write the children's books I had always wanted to write. I wanted to marry Edward and have his children. God I wanted to be a mom again.

In my life before I could never imagine having a child again. The pain and the guilt I felt in my heart made me never want to have a child again. I felt like I would just ruin another life under my hands. Coming to rehab though showed me that I was fully capable of having children. It still scares me a little but I want it again now and I want it with Edward. He'll be an amazing father and I know deep in my heart that I can be a good mom. I learned that what happened was not my fault. I had to let the guilt go that I carried with me those years and realize it was out of my hands. Letting go of a pain and guilt like that doesn't happen overnight. I am still coping with reminding myself daily it wasn't my fault.

My heart will always ache for my little Seth. Oh to say his name now makes me excited. I pushed his memory away for so long because of the guilt. I think of him all the time now. I remind myself of the good memories I had with him. He was an amazing little boy and I will never forget him. My heart will always belong to that little boy, but I've realized I can add other things to my heart without losing him. The memories are great because for so long I pushed them away and I was scared that I had forgotten him.

I'll never forget him now. Not one day will go by that I don't picture his sweet face. I remember his kisses. He always gave me those slobbery open mouth kisses. I would pull away and wipe my mouth laughing at him trying to make him close his mouth. What I wouldn't give for just one more of those. I know I can't have him back but I can remember him for the beautiful child he was. My little man was amazing and always brought so much joy to my life. I now only hope that I gave him everything he ever needed and made his short life happy because that's all I ever wanted to do for him.

Along with the good I have had to remember the bad but it hurts a little less now. The doc's say it will become less in less in time. I feel the dull ache all the time but like I said I've learned how to handle it better now. The pain controlled my life before I came here. Today I would be leaving in control of my life and it felt damn good. I was excited to see Edward I hoped he was doing well and I hoped he learned as much as I had being here. We are both very stubborn people and I only hoped he took it for everything they could give him. We promised we would meet at his house when we got out. I could hardly wait to leave and to feel him in my arms again.

"Bella the taxi is here" Jane my sponsor said.

I grabbed my bags and put them in the trunk. I walked back around to the side of the car and hugged Jane. She was my savior in a way. She held me thru my withdrawals and helped me so much while I was here.

"Thank you so much Jane. I will never forget you and all you have done for me. I have your number and will call you all the time ok."

"Bella you know if you ever need me I will be there. Anything at all you call me, I love you sweetie and I want you to know how proud of you I am. You are an amazing woman and I know only the best is to come for you."

I kissed her on the cheek and waved as I got in the taxi, Edward here I come.

I pulled up in front of the house and I could hardly contain the butterflies in my stomach. I was also nervous coming back to this house. Jasper and Emmett were still probably using and that scared me. I decided that I would just have Edward leave with me so we could go to my new apartment.

The center had set me up with a job at a publishing company. Nothing high ranking but I had to start somewhere. I would be starting in a week and I was so excited. Finally my life would be on track again. I planned to start classes soon and finally take my life by the horns and steer it where it should have gone in the first place. All I needed now was my Edward and things would finally be going right after so long of them being wrong.

I stopped at the door and briefly shook my hands. The nerves were crazy. What if he didn't want me anymore? I talked to Jane about it and she said simply that if that were to happen than I had to take in strife and move on. That he was a lucky bastard to have me in the first place and if he threw that away it was his own fault. I understood what she said but it still scared me to think I wouldn't have him in my life. He was my soul mate or so I thought anyway. I just felt like we were meant to be always.

I knocked twice barely even breathing waiting for someone to answer the door.

The door swung open and I was met with Jasper. He looked at me for a second and then smiled widely bringing me into his arms.

"Bella baby how are you doing? You look fucking awesome babe, you got your color back."

"Hi Jasper, thank you is he here?" I couldn't contain my excitement to see him.

Jasper looked nervous and fidgeted with his shirt.

"He hasn't come home yet Bella why don't you come in and wait ok."

I was nervous about going in the house but the clouds overhead told me it was about to pour and I certainly didn't want to wait in the rain so I walked in slowly not wanting to be in the house. I sat on the couch and watched out the window as the rain fell from the sky. It was raining cats and dogs out when I saw a car pull up. Edward stepped out and waved shoving something in his pocket from the person in the car before heading to the door.

"Jasper, Em I got some good shit and some fresh needles grab the bag and get your asses down here." Edward yelled as he walked thru the door.

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He didn't even notice me yet and by looking at him I could tell he was flying high. My body immediately reacted wanting to get high too but I knew I couldn't I was better than that now. I would not go back to personal hell ever again. The tears were streaming down my face when I realized Edward didn't even realize what day it was. He wasn't expecting me. He wasn't missing me like I had him. Had he even gone to rehab? All the questions mounted in me and I was angry, so fucking angry at him.

I pulled myself from the couch and cleared my throat to get his attention. He quickly turned and met my eyes. He looked shocked and scared and angry and sorry all at once. I didn't want to hear anything I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I couldn't deal with this when he was like this. I realized in that moment that that all the fears I tried to push away were true and starring me right in the eyes.

"Bella baby oh my God what are you doing here?" He said as he came towards me. He wrapped his arms around me and tried to lean into kiss me. I pushed him back away from me. I didn't want his hands anywhere near me.

"Don't fucking touch me" I screamed. My anger was boiling over now and I just needed to get out of there.

He grabbed me again pushing me up against the wall. He pushed my hair off of my face and smiled down at me. He grabbed my face and leaned down and started kissing me. I was nauseous in that moment because I didn't want his lips anywhere near me. I pushed him away again and grabbed my bags and ran out the front door. I ran thru the front yard thru the pouring rain just wanting to get away.

I slipped and fell due to the wet grass and before I could get up I felt Edward's arms wrap around me trying to help me off the ground.

"I said don't fucking touch me" I screamed at him. He pulled back and looked at me questioningly.

"Bella what the fuck is your problem, why are you being this way to me?" He asked like he didn't know why. I completely lost it in that moment obviously all the things I thought we could be were unrealistic and I all I could see was red.

"Are you kidding me? Are you really going to stand there and act fucking clueless with me Edward? God I have been thru hell for the last ninety days in rehab."

I was seething. I could feel the rain soaking thru me but couldn't care in that moment.

"Remember that Edward rehab where you were supposed to be. God Edward I can't believe I actually believed that you wanted this change, that you wanted me. I guess that's what drugs do though don't they. Give you a fantasy land to live in. Well I guess as I'm in reality now I have to take you for what you are. I had dreams with you Edward, things I wanted to do with you. Experiences I couldn't wait to share with you. I wanted to be yours forever and have a family. I wanted to try again Edward. You made me want to try again to have the life I had always dreamed I would live. Look at me now Edward, standing in your front yard screaming at you because you threw all my dreams in my face the minute you walked thru that door. This whole time I thought you were getting help like me. I couldn't wait for this day to come to see you again. God was I ever wrong to believe in you."

I cringed saying the words but I knew they were true. Why I ever believed things would actually work out for me for once made me realize how naive I really was.

"I can't do this Edward. I'm better now and I can't do this with you. I love you, God I love you so fucking much but this" I gestured with my hands between us "won't work because you are who you are and I'm not that person anymore. I wish Edward so bad that we could have been, been all the things I knew would could be but you fucked that up. I don't need this Edward and I sure as hell don't need you. Just leave me alone, I never want to see you again."

I grabbed my bags and ran down the street. I had to get away. The need inside me for something to calm me sown was running high and I knew I needed someone in that moment, the only person that could help me. I saw the phone booth and ran to it. I made the collect call to the one person that could help me the person I needed in that moment more than anything. I said my name when it asked and I waited.

"Bella on my God Bells where are you baby?" Charlie said

Hearing his voice made the sobs come harder and I ached to be his arms.

"Dad can you please come get me I need you."

**Cricket cricket please don't hate me. It had to happen. Bella needs to be on her own to figure her life out. She has always had someone. Jake and her were together thru high school and after and then she immersed herself in drugs. She needs this time. Edward also needs to get his shit straight. Please bear with me as I plan on this getting better. I can't promise anything as I let the story take me where it wants.**

**Now please review and tell me your thoughts they are important to me. You know you want to just push the button and let your fingers do the work lmao!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 is here people. I am so in love with this story and these characters and I hope you are enjoying it as much as I am writing it. The songs for this chapter are Corner of your Heart by Ingrid Michaelson, Million Tears by Kasey Chambers, and You Have Been Loved by Sia. Prepare for the angst cause here it comes. I of course own nothing but my distorted view of Stephanie's characters.**

**BPOV**

I waited outside the phone booth for my father to come get me. I hadn't seen Charlie in so long and I was worried about how I feel going home. But I know I needed to. I needed to get away from the personal hell I was living in now. A fresh start so to speak even though I would be going back to the one place I thought I never return to. I needed this though and I knew it. I called Jane and she agreed with me and said to call her if I needed anything.

The only thing I needed right now was Edward. I needed him to love me so bad but it wasn't going to happen. I know he still loves me but I could never be with him when he is doing the things he is doing. I am trying to make my life better and not be that person anymore but in these moments of being alone and remembering the look of pure hurt on his face as I walked away, I wanted nothing more than to grab some coke, run to him, and stay where I once was.

I would be with him than at least. In its own sick twisted way I would have my love but I wouldn't be who I wanted to be. I couldn't lose myself to be with him as much as I wanted to I had to stand my ground and be the person I was striving to be. I thought a lot about Seth in rehab and the kind of person I wanted to be for him. Even though he was no longer with me I still wanted to be that person for him. I was ashamed of my behavior and I would never go back down that road.

I felt arms wrap around me and looked up to see Charlie hugging me as if I wasn't real.

"Bells oh Bells I'm so glad you're ok. I've missed you so much I had no idea where you were. I have been looking for you baby come on let's get you out of this rain and into the car." he said pulling me up to help me get into the car.

I watched as he grabbed my bags and threw them in the trunk making his way around the car to slip into the driver's side.

"Bells what happened can you tell me?" he asked.

I couldn't I knew I was in no way ready to share all the things I had been thru with Charlie. I could barely admit to myself of the disgusting person I had become let alone Charlie. I just wanted to go home.

"Just please take me home dad" I said as the silent tears fell down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and tried to clear his memory from my mind. I wanted it to be as if he never existed.

**EPOV**

I watched as she ran away from me and I could barely register in my mind that it was the last time I would ever see her. I feel to the ground as the tears started to fall. What the fuck had I done. All the words she said echoing in my mind. She had wanted things we me that she never thought she would again. She had gone and gotten better for not just her but us and all I did was sit here for the last three months getting fucked up.

I tried I really did, but after the second day of withdrawals I left I couldn't fucking take it. It was to much to handle. I ran out of there without even a glance back and stuck the needle to my vein the minute I could.

Maybe this was better. As much as I hated that thought, Bella was amazing and so strong she didn't even realize how strong. I was a coward that his behind my pain and my drugs to not have to feel. I didn't deserve her love and she didn't deserve my pain. Even when I thought I couldn't feel Bella had made me. She invoked me in so many ways and I was for the first time in my life completely and utterly in love with this woman. But I couldn't be man enough to quit acting like a dumb fuck and get my shit straight.

She wanted me, she loved me, and she needed me and I fucked that up. Bella was the best thing that ever happened to me and I let her slip away, I'm such as asshole. I wish she would have hit me, I certainly deserved it.

I sat there for what felt like hours just thinking of Bella and the mistakes I had made. I thought back to the good times we shared and her voice echoed in my mind "I love you baby so much." but she wasn't there and those words would never be spoken again.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and as much as I wished it were Bella I knew it wasn't.

"Where is she Rose is she ok I'm so fucking sorry." I said tears still streaming down my face.

"She went home Edward she's not coming back. Her dad came and got her. She told me she was sorry but she couldn't be here anymore and needed to go. She said don't be surprised if we don't see her again." she said sobbing.

I needed to get out of here, I needed to get away from everybody and just think in the moment. I got up and walked down the sidewalk not caring where I was going just wanting to get away just like Bella.

I walked for an hour and stopped looking up to see a building in front of me. It was the rehab center Bella had gone to. I cringed knowing that this was going to be so fucking hard but I wanted to do it for the both of us. I needed to do it to show her and myself that I am better than this. I wouldn't lose her. She is my life now and the only thing that keeps me going and wanting more. I had always wanted to be a doctor and maybe I could still have that dream. I had once wanted to be a father and a husband and I knew that Bella completed those dreams because I wanted nothing more than to call her my wife. To watch her belly swell with our first child and love her for a lifetime because she deserved that.

I walked thru the doors smiling knowing that I was doing this for me and for my life that was Bella. I was doing this for happiness and a life I never knew I could have. I smiled because of Bella and I was planning on returning the favor very soon.

**BPOV**

The first week being home was so weird, I never left my old high school bedroom that hadn't changed one bit. I laid in bed and cried for him. I cried for Jake and Seth and how I had wished these things had never happened. I cried for Edward because as much as I wanted to hate him I couldn't. I loved him wholly and just wished things could have been different. I wanted him so bad, I wanted to feel his lips on mine and his hands caressing me. I wanted to feel my heart almost beat out of my chest as he brought me sheer ecstasy but more than anything I wanted the feeling back of him telling me he loved me. The look in his eyes never lied. He truly did love me just as much as I did him but I guess he wasn't at the point in his life for the change we needed.

Three months have passed by and I'm learning to cope with out Edward. Jane has been here for me in every way possible and stood by me. I talked to Rose that once to tell her I was leaving. I never called her again. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her it just reminded me of all the pain and all the fucked up things I did back then. I wanted those memories to leave and replace them with new happier ones. Maybe it was wrong since she had been there for me but I just really wasn't ready to talk to her yet. My thoughts drifted to Edward often and I was finally feeling nothing but love for him. The anger was gone and in its wake left the feelings of love and sadness because I wanted something I could never have. I wished him well in his life.

At first I felt that I wasn't good enough and that was why he left rehab or never went to begin with, but I knew this was not true. As much as I wanted him to change for us he wasn't ready. I couldn't be selfish because I knew he needed his time decide on his own. I hoped that he would get help someday and that he would find that all consuming love we had shared.

I hated to think of Edward with someone else but I couldn't help hope that one day he would be better and have all the things he deserved in life. He deserved to be loved by someone good. To have babies and be the dad I knew he could. I just hoped most of all for his happiness. It probably shouldn't matter to me but it did in so many ways.

When I finally sat down and told my dad all the things that had happened and what I had become I wished Edward would have been there to hold my hand because in that moment of explaining my past to my father I needed him so bad. I needed his comfort and his reassurance. I just needed him.

I know I will never love another like I did Edward. I hoped that one day I would be able to move past this and find a companion but I feared that it would always lead back to him. He was my soul mate in every way and I just wished things could have been different.

I wonder often if he thinks of me. I figure probably not because he is probably high most of the time to get lost in his pain, Pain that I added to. I thought back about the day I left him. I should have tried to help more or stood by him but it would have never worked and I know that. I just feel bad because I walked away from him and left him alone and I knew how bad that scared him to be alone. I couldn't heal him or fix him thou and I had come to terms with that.

Work wise I had started my books for children that I always wanted to write. One of my friends from high school Angela was an amazing artist and she was drawing the pictures for my stories. It felt good to go back and be the person I once was before grief and destruction ruled my life. I was feeling happier and realized that I was going to be ok. It was going to be a hard road but I was ready for it. Ready for what the world would throw me because I never wanted to take a moment in time for granted again because life was full of hope and forgiveness and second chances. I was given mine and I was taking it full on because I wanted everything that life had to offer me. I would hold on to my love for Edward forever and there would always be a place in my heart that belonged to him. I carried him with me and hoped that one day I could see him again they way I always believed he could be, happy.

I looked up from my writing when there was a soft knock on the door. I hopped up and walked over to the door pulling it open.

I almost fainted and my heart leapt to my throat. My body immediately tensed and I swear I was going to black out. I wanted to reach out and touch his face just to make sure he was real. Was I dreaming? God I loved him so much but he looked different in a good way. I reached my hand out and slowly and gently traced my fingertips over his cheek to make sure he was real.

"Edward?"

**Ok so a hard chapter but damn a good one. I am so proud of Miss Bella and who she is becoming and Edward oh my do I have plans for him. Not to many chapters left I think. I knew this would be short but my heart is so into this story. I will update again soon and please leave some reviews so I can get your thoughts on this. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello loves I'm back with another chapter. I am excited about this chapter and I hope you guys really like it. I have no reviews yet so if you are reading this please review. I have had some people favorite this story and have daily reads but no one is leaving me reviews. I'm not trying to be a review whore but I'd like to know what you think. Happy Reader Appreciation Day to all my readers. Songs for this chapter are Sia "Butterflies" for Bella POV and The Spill Canvas "This is for keeps" for Edward's POV and Nine Inch Nails "Closer" for Bella's second POV. The songs go perfect so if you can listen to them please do. I own nothing but the new Details magazine with some fuckhot pic's of my lovely RPattz.**

**BPOV**

I looked into his eyes and it was as if everything else around me failed to be anymore. Those beautiful green eyes that had haunted my dreamsfor the last three months were staring into mine. I felt as though in that moment he was seeing straight into my soul. I couldn't move hell I could barely breathe. I could only feel. My heart was practically beating out of my chest. How was he here? How did he know where I was and where my dad lived? The questions were running thru my mind do fast I could barely catch them. I felt so confused in that moment.

Even after all this time the burning in my body and my heart for him was still there. It was like even after everything we had been thru; I couldn't help but urn for his heart and his body. I felt the hairs on my body stand up when he licked his lips. It was as if neither of us could speak; neither of us could find the words because of the overwhelming feelings that were coursing thru both of us.

I had hoped for this moment so many times but to actually have it here now I was amazed but slightly confused. I had imagined many scenarios after I left Edward that day. I imagined him still using and moving on to someone else that could share his habits. I imagined him getting help and finding someone nice to settle down with. I also had the bad dreams where Edward did too much heroin and I lost him forever. I could never go in if Edward wasn't on this earth. Even if I couldn't have him, to know he was happy somewhere I would be o.k. but if he were gone I would lose myself completely. I wouldn't be able to go on.

He's standing in front of me right now though. I have no clue why but I can't help that all I want to do is tell him how much I love him and jump into his arms and never leave. I wanted to go back home and the only home that was right in this world was Edward. He was my life and still was in many ways. I tried to speak but it came out more like a squeak. I wanted to say so many things but I couldn't. My mind and my mouth were not working together; I just stood there probably looking like a fish out of water.

My hand was still resting on his cheek and I could feel the warmth radiating of him and it felt amazing. The electricity humming thru my system was one of the things about Edward and me that I had missed so much. We shared a deep sexual connection that no one could ever replace and in this moment I was completely taken hold of by my lust for him. I watched him as he was trying to get the words out just like me but was having just as hard of a time. Then slowly his mouth opened and my whole body tensed at what he was about to say.

**EPOV**

My God she looked absolutely beautiful. Words surpassed me and I didn't know what to say to her. Then she reached out and touched my cheek and I immediately felt the hum of electricity ring thru my body. I wanted to tell her so many things. I wanted to tell her about rehab and how many things I had learned about myself. How I had learned to cope with my past, my regrets, and my sorrow. I learned so much about myself and I was so excited to tell her all these things but I couldn't get my mouth to work. I probably looked like the biggest fucking douche standing there just starring into her eyes but I couldn't function correctly when I was with Bella. Her scent was invading me and made me almost feel high. I had told Bella once she was my drug I couldn't live without and in that moment plus the last three months since she left, I knew I was right. I couldn't lose her. I promised myself that I would do whatever I had to do to make her see that I had changed and that I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of eternity making her happy.

I couldn't expect for her to just forgive me but I hoped that someday she would love me again and forgive me for the mistakes I had made. I can't imagine one more day going by without Bella being a part of it. She was my life now, Hell who am I kidding she became my life the first time I saw her. I was drawn to her and I would never feel this way again.

It was like a once in a lifetime chance to have something with her that I knew I didn't deserve. Bella was strong, and smart, and funny as hell and I knew that I would never be good enough for her but I would swear to her to try everyday for the rest of my life to be what she deserved. Not since my mother had I wanted to be a better person. The night she died I died in sense. I never wanted to try again because trying led to pain. If I put myself out there and tried than I risked losing everything again.

But what I did to Bella was worse. She put herself out there and I hid like a bitch. The pain of her leaving was insane and my heart literally ached for her. I realized by closing myself up I had set myself up for failure. When it came time in our relationship to try to be better I closed up and wouldn't try. By doing that I caused myself and her so much pain and I didn't know if I could ever fix it for her. I hoped like hell I could but I had to think realistically and know that she might reject me. I would truly deserve it but it still hurt like hell to think of her not wanting me.

I tried so hard for her and finally did things that I needed to do for a long time. I hoped she would see how much I love her and give me a shot because I needed her so bad.

"Bella I..um..well I'm sorry to just show up but I needed to see you. I needed you to see me. If you can please just listen till I'm done and then I will leave. Can you do that?"

She nodded.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry for what I did to you Bella. I was so afraid of trying to be better for you and not being able to handle it. I was so worried that once you got better you would see what a fuck up I am and never want me again. I couldn't handle the thought of losing you like that so I didn't try. I was a selfish asshole trying to protect myself instead of the woman I loved. I wasn't thinking about you and how I would hurt you and I am so fucking sorry for that. The day you left I lost it Bella. I lost it because you are my life. I live and breathe for you. The love I feel for you is unlike any I have ever felt before. It runs so deep and I was so scared of it. I know I never deserved you and probably never will but Bella I love you so much. I am trying so hard to be that man for you. I want to be someone you can be proud of and someone that you can love wholly. I went to rehab ya know. It sucked and I felt like shit for the first month or so but I learned so much. I learned so much about you and I and the love I have for you."

I paused and took a deep breath.

"Bella I realized I pushed you away because of my selfish insecurities and I swear to you I will try every day of my life forever trying to make it up to you. I will try everyday to show you and tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I need you Bella so much and these last three months without you have been hell. I'm clean now but I am still craving one drug Bella and that is you. You intoxicate every part of my heart, my soul, and my body. I want to wake up every day to be there for you. For the longest time I didn't care if I woke up or not. I was just waiting for the darkness to finally take me. But since you Bella I want to live. I want to try. I want to experience and love and cherish all things that are you because you are the best fucking thing that ever happened to me and I promise you I will fight for you, because I love you and I won't back down this time. I am in this for the long haul and I hope someday you will forgive me for hurting you like I did and let me love you like I know I can, the way you deserve to be loved because that's all I want to do Bella is love you!"

**BPOV**

As I listened to him speak his words went straight to my heart. I felt the tears streaming down my face as he told me he was sorry and he loved me. God I loved him so much and listening to him stand here and bare his soul to me made me love him that much more. If there was a movie or a book I would hold off and try to take things slow but this was real life and I was tired of being without him. I waited for him to finish speaking.

"Are you finished?" I asked raising my eyebrow.

He just nodded looking a little down that I was so quick to dismiss him.

I launched myself at him and grabbed his hair roughly pulling him into the house. I slammed the door and pushed him against it. I couldn't wait any longer as I plunged my tongue into his mouth. He tasted so good as our tongues danced together. I had missed him and the closeness we share so much and it this moment I just needed to feel him on me, against me, and inside of me.

"I love you so much Edward so fucking much" I said in between kisses.

I heard him moan and that was it I was done for. I quickly pulled my shorts and panties down and dropped to my knees. Edward's eyes went wide as I grabbed his belt buckle and undid it. After I had made work of the button and the zipper I yanked his jeans and boxers down in one swift movement. I looked up at him thru my eyelashes and I felt the tension leaving his body.

"I love you Edward and now I am going to show just how much I love you and how much I missed you." I said smiling at him.

I quickly grabbed his hard cock and slowly traced the tip with my tongue. I was so wet just knowing I could taste him. I licked the tip of him and then without a second thought, slammed my mouth down him all the way till my nose was touching his groin. He growled and grabbed my hair and lost it. He started fucking my mouth with ravage and it felt amazing. To have him in my mouth again after all this time made me realize just how much I missed this part of Edward to.

He stopped suddenly and grabbed my shirt lifting it over my head in one quick swoop. He grabbed my arms and pulled me up to him. He ripped my bra off which was fine with me because I wanted nothing more than to feel his naked body against mine.

Edward brought me pleasure like no one else ever had. This need for each other in this moment was animalistic. We had been apart for too long and we needed each other. Edward was right when he said I was like a drug to him because it is exactly how I feel about him. I loved him don't get me wrong I loved him with every fiber of my being but when he fucked me it was like I was crazed and nothing else existed but us in the moment.

He grabbed my hips and pulled me up to him as I wrapped my legs around him tightly. He turned us and slammed me into the wall with so much force that I hit my head hard but it didn't matter. This was us it was pure unadulterated sex and it was hot as fuck. He grabbed my face and kissed me with so much passion that I felt like I could cry. I was kidding myself if I ever thought I could live without Edward and the passion we had together.

"I love you so fucking much" he said as he slammed into me.

I screamed out in ecstasy as he slammed into me harder and harder every time. I missed this so much I missed him inside me and I couldn't help but scream because he felt so good.

"Oh fuck me baby harder please Edward make me yours…please…just fucking take me" I screamed at him.

"Oh your mine Bella don't you ever forget it"

"YOU" he thrusted hard into me.

"ARE" my head hit the wall again.

"MINE" I screamed as he thrust into me again and I came harder than I ever had.

"Fucking yours" I screamed at him.

I felt the tingling starting again in my belly and I knew I was about to cum again.

"Cum for me baby make me yours I want you inside me baby I want you dripping from me"

That was all it took as I heard him scream "Fuck" as I felt him pulsing inside me. He slammed into me a couple more times and I screamed his name while my second orgasm over took me.

He leaned into me and pressed his forehead to mine. We were both panting hard as his hands came up to rest on my cheeks.

"I will never let you go Bella, your it for me, I'm yours baby forever." He said while still inside me.

"We have a lot to talk about but baby never forget I am yours and only yours" I whispered before I ravaged his mouth with mine.

I have a feeling this is going to be a hell of a long night.

***Peeks from behind laptop* Ok before anyone says anything I know they didn't really talk a whole lot before the sex but come on. We are talking about a couple who started out at a strip club doing cocaine off of a bathroom counter and fucking each other's brains out. They aren't actually normal and even though they are clean doesn't mean they have lost their indulgence for each other. Please Please please review and let me know what you think. Push it baby and we can get some more sexy time much sooner=)!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Ok so I haven't updated in forever but I was having a major blockage in my brain with this story. But I am back with the epi. I said this would be a short story and it was really just about describing their struggles and their love for one another. Song for the Epi is Stained "Tangled up in you".**

***7 years later EPOV***

If you would have asked me 10 years ago where I would have imagined myself now I probably would have said homeless, angry, and close to death. I didn't live for so long after my parents died. I just went thru the motions, never really living just existing. I had no plans for myself except to stay in my drug induced haze. I never wanted to open my heart again; I expected to keep it locked tight forever.

Of course my life was irrevocably changed the night I went to that strip club. I will never regret the things that brought Bella into my life. She made me breath again, live again, but most of all love again. I never thought it was possible but Bella did that for me. She brought me out of my personal hell I was living in and made me see the beauty that was around me.

I still struggle with the loss of my parents every now and then but when it happens she is there to calm me and bring me back to life. I think I'll always still have a small part of me that is the emo brooding asshole I used to be, but she always helps me to see everything we have and I remember why I am happy now. She always tells me that they are looking down on me and they are so damn proud of the man I have become. I really hope so because that is an amazing thing to think. I hope they are proud of me.

As I lay in bed with my daughter Emily Esme Cullen and my beautiful wife Bella with her swollen belly I think back to all the wonderful memories we have shared since that day I walked onto her father's porch and proclaimed myself to her.

When she had kissed me it was like my heart immediately recovered and healed on the spot. I knew things would be ruff sometimes for us but I also knew we would make it thru. We had already been thru so much together in such a short time that I knew we would always be ok. We had weathered the storm and we had come out on the other side where the calm waters were and the sunlight cascaded down on us.

We had both decided to go back to college together and we rented a small house by the campus. I have so many amazing memories from that time because it was the first time Bella and I really got to know each other and be with each other without the drugs and drama.

Just sitting next to her on the couch at night studying felt amazing. I just always wanted to be close to her. I guess it was the newness of us being together and we just needed each other all the time. Those couple years held their amount of problems and I dealt with my anxiety numerous times but she was always there to talk me out and hold me when I needed to just let it all out. I don't think I could ever repay her for the times she was there for me but like I promised I would try everyday for the rest of my life trying to be there for her as much as she has been for me.

I'm still trying even to this day but I love to try. Just seeing her beautiful smiling face makes me realize the second chance I was given all those years back. I like to think my parents and God sent me Bella to help me become what they always knew I could be. I hated God for a long time because of my parent's death but with healing comes the comfort of knowing that they were so special to him that he needed them more than I did. It hurts but Bella helped me believe again and realize that God is always there he just shows himself in different ways and he's certainly showed how amazing he is when he brought her to me.

The day I asked Bella to marry me was such an amazing day. I picked her up from work to go out to lunch. We ate and were walking back when we came across the rehab that had saved both our lives. I had been carrying the ring around in my pocket for awhile trying to figure out how I could propose to her that would be special enough for her. It hit me than and I stopped and tugged her hand towards me to walk to the front door.

I dropped to one knee and poured my heart out to her. It was one of the scariest moments of my life to put myself out there so completely but she owned me and she always knew it. I told her that my life changed when I meant her and I knew she would always be mine. I couldn't exist in a world where she wasn't with me, but that my life began the minute I walked out those doors and into her arms. She was it for me, there was no one else and I wanted her to be mine always. I held the small diamond that had graced my mother's fingers and with tears in my eyes I asked her to be my wife. She cried for a good ten minutes before I could even get her answer and when she blinked thru her tears smiling and nodded her head I knew even then that I didn't deserve her but by some luck in this world she wanted me.

The wedding was a small gathering of family and friends and the old gang was back together minus the drugs. Alice and Jazz were pregnant with their first child and Rose and Em were engaged. It still amazed me to see how far we had all come. When I walked out to wait for Bella I noticed the picture of my parents from their last anniversary before they died and I had to hold back the tears. I had told her how much I had wished they could be there and like Bella always does. She brought them to my wedding.

Watching her come thru those doors to walk towards me and become my wife was well…..there just aren't words to describe it. As we exchanged vows and rings I couldn't help but thank God for bringing her to me. I owed the big guy and I was eternally grateful and indebted to him. That first kiss with her as my wife was one of my happiest moments. I Edward messed up Cullen was now Edward Bella's husband Cullen. It was an amazing feeling.

A year later when I came home to find Bella sitting on the toilet with silent tears streaming down her cheeks I rushed to her. I couldn't imagine what was wrong I just knew I needed to fix it. She looked up at me thru at watery smile and said I'm pregnant. Those two words made me sink fast to my knees and grab her. I was scared of this day and sometimes thought we would never have children. Bella had changed so much since we first met but I knew her memories of Seth were never far from her mind. I would see her sometimes look at little kids with their moms and I could see the devastation in her eyes. It still hurt her so much I knew she would never fully recover from the accident and losing her son.

I held her tight to me scared that this just might break her. She was always so strong for herself and for me but this, I was afraid this would be too much. But when I looked up into her eyes and she was smiling the biggest smile I think I had ever seen I knew everything was going to be ok. She was scared but she was so happy. She never thought she would be a mother again.

The pregnancy was amazing and watching her stomach each month get bigger and rounder was amazing. The first time I felt the baby kick made me cry. Yeah I'm a pussy whatever it was my child for God's sake. I was memorized by this little child I had never any met. The ultrasound appointment made me cry again when the doctor told me I was having a daughter and Bella whispered to me that her name would be Emily Esme. My mother would live on in the form of my daughter and I knew that would have made her so happy. That was probably one of the sweetest nicest things anyone had ever done for me. But that's my Bella always doing the best things for people. It was one of the many reasons I loved her so much.

Labor and delivery could be summed up to scared shitless and the happiest I have ever been, and also a whole lot of God that looks like it hurts. But it was all worth it when I held my daughter for the first time. She was amazing all pink and small. She had my hair color and Bella's beautiful eyes and she amazed me from the first second I touched her, already just like her mother. On that day I realized God just showed me again that he existed and for some crazy reason he loved me and blessed with two amazing women in my life.

The first couple months were hard learning how to deal with no sleep, work, and my responsibilities as a father and husband. Bella was a pro as usual and I really don't think I had ever seen her so happy. Even when she was cleaning up poopie diapers or spit up off her shirt she just smiled and you could see all the love that shined thru her eyes. She was an amazing mother and so attentive to Emily, she really amazed me all over again.

I recorded everything never wanting to forget any of the moments we shared with Emily. Her first real food, first words which were dada, first steps, haircut, man you name it I had it wrote down in her baby book or recorded on DVD. I wanted to remember every moment we shared with her because one day I knew she would fight me on everything, tell me she hated me, and leave me. I knew that one day some man would come into her life and take away my baby girl and as much as I hated this idea I knew that if she was anything like her mother, which she is, she would be so easy to love.

Seven months ago Bella surprised me at work with a phone call. Jane my secretary said my daughter was on line one and I answered. She screamed so loud in the phone I had to pull it away from my ear. I didn't catch most of what she said but I did get the last little bit when she had calmed down enough to tell me that she was going to be a big sister. Bella was pregnant? I almost couldn't believe it. I was overjoyed and left the office early to be with my girls.

The day of the ultrasound the three of us sat waiting to see if Emily was going to have a baby brother or sister. When the doctor pointed to what I can only describe as a little turtle head poking out between the babies legs I jumped up kissed Bella and Emily and shook the Dr's hand. I told him thank you so much and he said don't thank me I didn't do it. We all laughed but I was so overjoyed to know I was going to have a son. When I came home from work Bella had a cake for dessert and written across the cake was welcome Robert Carlisle Cullen; she never ceased to amaze me with her selflessness. Now both my parents would always be represented and remembered in a way that brought me so much joy. My children would know that they carried the names of their wonderful grandparents that would have loved them so much.

So now laying in bed with my hand on Bella's tummy feeling my son kick, who will be joining the world in two short months, starring at my beautiful wife and perfect little girl I just can't imagine life getting any better. I am blessed every day of my life to have the family I do. I can't wait to grow old with Bella and always do my best to make her happy and see that beautiful smile grace her lips.

I think back on the past now, not with sadness or anger, but with happiness because it was our Parallel destruction that brought us together and it was Bella's amazing heart and love that fixed us both and gave me everything I never knew I wanted. I'll forever be indebted to that beautiful girl who saved my life all those years back. I made a promise to her that I would love her forever and now that everything seems to be perfect, I'm just working on the forever part.

**Well I really can't imagine this story ending any better and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. You know what to do review my sweets and I will forever be indebted to you lol! Laters!**


End file.
